Guilt Free

I´ll take a break from the usual blog update to talk a little bit about what God has been teaching me since I have been here in El Salvador...

About a year or so ago, I had a conversation with someone in which they told me that I could never ¨fully understand or know them because my life was too perfect.¨ Although they probably didn't give it a second thought, the impact of their words was both lasting and hurtful.  Regardless of the fact that they knew very little about me, I remembered their words and allowed myself to dwell on them.  I could make a list of all the ways that my life is not perfect but that would serve no purpose and to be quite honest, I'd have to agree that I have been blessed with a wonderful life and in comparison to many, it could be seen as ¨perfect.¨ When I came to that realization, I began to resent those things.  When I returned from El Salvador last year I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for everything I have been blessed with.  In part, it was a good thing to realize that there are so many who have so little while I have so much, but rather than responding in thankfulness and praise to God, I was drowning in guilt and feelings of uselessness.  I began to believe that I couldn't understand those around me who were suffering because I have suffered very little in my own life.  If I can´t understand them, how can I help them?  I have a heart to help those who are broken and hurting and I have the spiritual gifts of mercy and hospitality but I just couldn't figure it out.  I felt like a useless part of the body of Christ.  If I couldn't understand that one person, who I considered a friend, how could I effectively use the gift of mercy?  Either they would be reluctant to accept help from someone who couldn't empathize with their situation or they wouldn't want my help at all.  At least that is what I told myself, but I was boxing God in, yet again and relying on my own strength.  It got me absolutely no where.  I have struggled with this for a while and it has really weighed heavy on me and impacted my relationship with God.  Through His Word, God spoke to me the other morning as I read.  It was quiet and I took the time to listen to what the Lord wanted to say to me.  I know that I don't take enough time in my busy schedule to pause and listen.  I read in Romans 9, which has become a favorite passage of mine.  Verse 20 says, ¨But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "  I have probably read and quoted this verse a million times over the past year but I always related it to the lives of others rather than my own.  When I thought of all the orphans around the world, all those who are suffering, those who have witnessed horrible things, those who have committed awful crimes and others who seem to be living in ´unfair´ circumstances, I would look to this verse and be comforted in knowing that every life was created by God and that I have no right to question why certain people are placed in specific situations.  The Lord showed me as I read the other day that I need to apply this to my own life as well.  Who am I to question the person that God has made me and the life that He has given to me?  My response to His blessings should be to praise Him, in any circumstance.  Whether I am rich or poor, healthy or sick, suffering or rejoicing, my God doesn't change and my response to Him shouldn't change either.  I was convicted as I thought about how I failed to thank and praise God for all He has given to me.  I am so thankful that the Lord is teaching me this because as I return home next week I will be able to have a better perspective.  Rather than feeling guilty and resenting the blessings that I am surrounded with, I will praise God for them and will be all the more thankful for it all!