Pensamientos

At 3pm today my summer will officially begin!  Now that classes are over and I am (almost) done doing check outs and moving myself out of my room, I have had some time to think about the fact that three weeks from Tuesday, we will be in El Salvador!  It still hasn't hit me as a reality yet and it probably won't until I step foot in the country.  Since I got back last summer I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't thought about El Salv or the people there.  Part of me feels like it's been forever since I was there but the memories I have are so incredibly vivid that part of me feels like it was just yesterday.  When I think about going back I am filled with so many different emotions, it's ridiculous.  Most of the emotions are ones you'd expect (such as excitement, happiness, anticipation, etc.) but there are some others as well; including stress, sadness and fear. I'll elaborate...

First of all, I am continuing to fight a daily battle against stress.  I'm learning that it's okay to not have a "plan" but it's still something I struggle with.  I wanna know what we're doing & where we're doing it at and as of right now, I still don't know.  However, from experience, I know that plans in El Salvador change on a minute to minute basis so maybe not having a plan is the best route to take!

So why would I feel sadness about such an exciting thing?  Well, I am sad because I know what I'm going to see.  Last summer I pretty much went into the experience blindly; not knowing what to expect.  My life was forever changed by the people I met and the horrific stories I heard.  These people are so broken and so desperately in need.  This emotion ties in with fear because I'm afraid to be reminded and I'm afraid of leaving again.  I literally felt my heart break when I left last summer; something that I had never experienced before and I don't know if I'm prepared to experience it again.  I remember calling my parents when I boarded the plane to come home, crying uncontrollably.  It was the absolute worst feeling.  I don't want to start out this trip by dreading the end of it but I have a feeling that it will be constantly in the back of my mind.  How can I leave again??

Those are the thoughts for now.  Sorry it's not too 'uplifting' but I hope, at the least, that it is real and transparent :)