I believe the only way to share about my trip is to be completely honest and transparent about it. Because of this I’ve decided to open up my journal and share some of the things I wrote while there. It’s very personal and close to my heart and so are El Salvador and the people I met there so I feel that it is appropriate. I don’t want to gloss over any of it or paint a pretty picture for you. These are real people with real problems, heartaches and feelings. I never thought this trip would impact me in the way that it did. To tell you that I had a “good trip” would be a lie and I don’t think that any of my supporters deserve that. El Salvador is a broken country. At first glance it would seem that it was a very “godly” place. There are signs all over, on buses, buildings, billboards, etc. proclaiming “The Lord is my shepherd,” “Jesus loves you,” and other “Christianity claims” but the hearts of many of the people are, in my opinion, empty and calloused. I don’t blame them. It’s a rough place. There are people living in shacks and under bridges. Gang violence has killed many loved ones and broken many families. Fathers have left, mothers are in jail and the children roam the streets. God is often spoken of but it almost seems like more tradition and empty thoughts rather than real and heartfelt words. I saw so many things (I’ll get into some of them later on) that are just wrong and disgusting.

It took me about a week to adjust to the living situation in El Salvador. As you probably know, I stayed in the Promise House. It was very hot, the showers were very cold, there were a lot of bugs (including cockroaches as long as my index finger) and there was NO privacy. Towards the end of the first week, I got pretty sick and I felt absolutely miserable. I had to get picked up from the center and taken back home. I was just lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling, wondering why God would bring me all the way to El Salvador only to be sick in bed. I remember calling home crying and thinking to myself that I was in way over my head. It ended up being a huge wake-up call though and a time for me to really set my focus on God; giving Him total control and admitting my weakness before Him. II Corinthians 12:9 has always been one of my favorite verses but it had never meant as much to me as then. One page of my journal has that verse written at the top with a prayer written below, crying out to God asking for His help and His strength. I asked the Lord two questions that I would continue to ask over the next 6 weeks and that I still ask today; “What am I doing here?” and “How am I truly touching and changing lives like I so desire to do?” Six weeks may seem like a long time but in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t and I wanted to know how I could help these people in a sustainable way.
I’d like to share a little with you about where I stayed and the people that I lived with. La Casa de Promesa (Promise House) is a halfway home for teenage mothers. There were 9 girls aged 12-18 living there with their 9 children, aged 8 months-4 years. Because I want you to realize that this is so much more than a story and that these are real people, I want to share all of their names with you: Tania and Nicole, Jessica and Alondra, Tatiana and Glenda, Marta and Miguel, Nubia and Alex, Johana and Jeremias, Daysie and Jefferson, Maricela and Nelsen, Susanah and Nancy. Obviously, because I was living in their house, I became very close to these girls and their children. They have all been victims of sexual abuse which resulted in their pregnancies. They didn’t choose this and that was difficult for me to swallow. I believe it to be one of the greatest injustices I have ever been in contact with. It’s disgusting really that these little girls were abused by much older men. Most of these men should have been in a position of trust and leadership as fathers, cousins, friends, etc. but rather they placed these girls in a world of fear, hate, pain and hardship. It was hard for me to really see these girls as mothers instead of the young girls that they are. They are the strongest group of people I have ever met. No, they weren’t perfect mothers but they have accepted the life they have been given with more dignity than I ever would. They have every right to be bitter and angry but they were the most loving and open girls I’ve ever spent time with. They welcomed me as a part of their ‘family’ and showed me the true meaning of love and acceptance. It was a love I didn’t have to earn and an acceptance I wasn’t going to lose. They have a joy that radiates in their sweet smiles and huge embraces. However, they do hurt and they do cry. They struggle with questions and doubt. They are afraid for their future and the future of their children. They want to be a good parent but don’t have any idea what that entails or even what it looks like. They don’t understand the concept of a positive male figure; they have never known the support of a loving father and they cry because their children will probably never know either. They feel guilt and shame over the things that have happened to them; things they couldn’t have prevented. They deserve to be treated like the beautiful, lively, and young girls that they are. In America, and other places around the world, the teenage years are a time of transition and learning; a time to prepare for the future and find out who you are and who you want to be. These girls didn’t get that time. They were thrust into motherhood with absolutely no support or help. I ask that you keep these girls in your prayers as they will continue to struggle daily. God does have a plan.
God is good and even though there are so many things I don’t understand He continues to show me that His ways are much bigger than my small understanding. On June 30th, just a few days after I vented about all the horrible things and cried out to God for help, I read Psalm 34:18 which says, “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Wow! It was exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of. God hasn’t taken a break or forgotten about these people; it’s all in His hand whether I can see it or not. I don’t understand it and I certainly don’t like it but God doesn’t need my approval by any means.
Who am I to think that I must understand everything in this world?
I was able to read a few books in my spare time while in El Salvador. One of the books I read was Touch by Pastor Rudy Rasmus. It’s a very real book written about the ministry of an inner city church in Houston. It really gave me some good insights to opening up and being vulnerable with people and loving those who have nothing to give back. It also talks about the importance of physical touch. He says, “When we touch someone, a connection occurs that is categorically different – and more powerful – than spoken communication.” I saw the application and truth to this quote during my six week stay; especially in the boy’s orphanage at CISNA. I can’t express to you how much I truly came to love these boys. They are crying out for love and attention. I could see how much they longed for a “motherly” type of affection. On July 11th, the day before I left for home, we were able to take the youngest group of boys to a water park. We picked them up in the morning and divided into our “buddy groups.” Each of the “gringos” had two of the boys for the day. I sat in between them on the way to the park and they each held my hands as we talked about different things. It was one of the best days of my trip. We were able to feed them a whole bunch of food including chicken, pupusas and pizza. On the way back Samuel fell asleep on my lap and it was a precious sight I will remember forever. His heart (and stomach) was full and he was absolutely exhausted! Bringing them back to the orphanage was one of the hardest things to do. I wanted to take each of them home with me. It was so hard to drop them back off in a place where they have no love, only fear; a place full of rape and abuse, no family and dark pasts and little hope for a bright future. I have only felt the sting of a broken heart a few times in my life and this was one. I felt my heart breaking for every one of those boys. On the way back to the house I was overcome with emotion. There were uncontrollable tears rolling down my cheeks. It wasn’t simply sadness that I felt. Most of my feelings were anger actually. I prayed and argued with God the whole way home. Why did God bring me to this country to meet these desperate people, only to leave them just like everyone else does? Why were these people in these horrible situations anyways? Why do I have it so easy? Why, Why, Why? I wish I could say that I have all the answers now, but I don’t. I do however know that our God is compassionate and that prayers can do more than any of us know. That’s what I have to cling to. James 5:16b says, “The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” All throughout the gospels it is repeated how Jesus felt compassion for all the people He encountered. As much as I love and care for those children, how much more must our Creator love them! Another book I read while in El Salvador, The Ragamuffin Gospel, states, “Human love will always be a faint shadow of God’s love. Not because it is too sugary or sentimental but simply because it can never compare from whence it comes. Human love with all its passion and emotion is a thin echo of the passion/emotion love of Yahweh.” It is so true!
Leaving El Salvador was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. After I said good bye to everyone and found myself sitting alone at my gate with nothing but my carry on and my thoughts, I began to cry, once again, uncontrollably. It's funny to think that before I had this experience I rarely cried and certainly not in front of anyone. But there I sat, the only blonde girl at the gate literally sobbing as they called for my plane to board. I cried all the way to my seat and the first hour of the flight. Again, I felt my heart breaking. I cried for many reasons, both selfish and unselfish. I cried for the children I had met, for the entire country, for the people I knew I’d never see again, for the other interns and because I knew I would never be the same. That’s where I find myself at now; different. My thought process has changed as well as my concept of the world around me. I am blessed beyond imagination. I have a family who loves me, an opportunity to do virtually anything I want to and more stuff than I could ever need. I was exposed to a simpler way of life and, surprisingly, I really liked it. Life is so much bigger than the clothes I wear, the classes I’m taking, the problems I have, etc. In other words, life is so much bigger than ME!
It was really hard for me to readjust to life in America. The first week or so I really didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I woke up every morning experiencing the meaning of “the silence is deafening.” I missed the crying babies and the kids coming to jump on my bed. I felt really guilty for all of the things I had at home. In time, I did adjust but to be honest I still have days where I just sit down and cry. In fact, just today I had a meltdown. As I was driving and thinking about the kids and all of the people in El Salvador my eyes just filled with tears and by the time I got back to my room I just laid in my bed and sobbed. I was wondering when I would finally “get over it” and be able to talk about it without wanting to cry and I think I’ve come to conclusion that I probably never will; and that is okay with me. It changed my life and touched my heart in ways I could never explain.
*I cannot thank you, as my supporters, enough for everything. I wish I could list all of you by name; individually thanking you for your support. I know that I had many people praying for me while I was gone and I know without a doubt that it helped. Trust me when I say that without your prayers I wouldn’t have made it through some days. I also can’t finish without saying a HUGE thank you to everyone who supported me financially. It was an answer to prayer and a big comfort to see all of my support come in so early on in my trip planning. It’s humbling to me that God has placed such caring and loving people in my life and I know that I have done nothing to deserve it. In fact, because of all of the generosity I will be able to make a return visit to the Promise House in the near future. I will be sure to keep you updated on dates and details but I am very excited to see the girls again and to bring some things they are in need of with me. Once again, none of this would be possible without you all! Finally, to all of you who read my blog, commented on it, sent me emails/facebook messages and sent letters and cards; THANK YOU! You have no idea what a short word of encouragement can do and I thank you for your selflessness in continuing to write even when you didn’t receive a response from me.
I hope this gives you a glimpse into my summer. I apologize for the length but I tried to summarize as much as possible without losing the main point. I ask for continued prayer as I see where God leads me for the future. I know that I am called to missions/service but I am not sure where. I know that mission work can take place right here in America and I am open to that option as well. Basically, I'm just going to wait and see where God takes me. :)Thanks again to all of you and please stay in touch!!
Matthew 9:12-13 (NLT)
When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
My precious daughter,
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here reading your "final" summary of your internship this past summer, tears come uncontrolably. Maybe that is where you get it, though I think that once the Lord gets a hold of you, the broken heart weeps out to Him. As you learned many things this summer so have I as a parent. I know the Lord has you in the palm of His hand, and there is no better place to be than in His will. God really has given me a "peace, which passes all understanding." No matter where He calls you, I can rest in Him. You have learned a important truth that I want to share with you. When I was in college I took a Youth Ministry class from a godly man by the name of Dave Busby (who has since gone to be with our Lord). He told us one day that "there is nothing you can do to make God love you more, and nothing you can do to make Him love you less." Once we grasp this truth we can truly rest in His sovernity. I am so humbled that God answered my prayer 21 years ago. That this child I was carring would love the Lord God with all their heart, soul and mind. Keep Him first and foremost in your life, and you will be living eternally not temperally. I love you from the depths of my soul.
LOVE,
MOM